Sunday, May 10, 2009

So, you fell in love with a vampire!


So, you fell in love with a vampire. Congratulations! Now, here are a few tips and some advice on how to survive the first intimate encounter.

You might be wondering, "How did I get here?" Truthfully, I’m wondering that too, but put that aside for now and look deeply into the mirror. Not at your eyes, examine your neck along the raised lines on both sides that, if you press your fingers to them, will pulse under the pads of your fingertips.

No pulse? You’re dead so skip the next three paragraphs.

Pulse feels strong? Excellent! It's time to discuss how to keep it that way. One idea is convincing your vampire lover to not suck on your neck. Alternatively, you might suggest he or she wear tiny silver sleeves over their "canine" teeth. The silver might present a problem, but you cannot be too safe these days.

Another alternative, is wearing some kind of protection. Safe sex is good sex. However, you will need to wear a collar that is bite proof. Check with your veterinarian for something in leather. The styles are varied and attractive. If your vampire is particularly aggressive, a bit long in the tooth, you may want to go with a lightweight chain mail collar.

Silver comes to mind, but your vampire might object, pulling his or her head back and hissing, while glaring in your direction. It is never a good idea to get your vampire too angry, so let's skip silver and try something in stainless steel. The collar may feel heavy, but it will prove advantageous when the going gets hot and it does make a nice fashion statement if properly polished.

Once you reach the point in the relationship when you are willing to touch your vampire, do not be surprised at the complete lack of activity within his or her torso. Remember your vampire is dead. His or her heart stopped beating a long time ago, and unless you are willing to donate several pints of your own blood, he, or she will not warm up very much to your tender touch. Do not let this distract you from the reason you are embracing your vampire. Love is blind after all.

The next issue we want to discuss is fingernails. Your vampire's nails will keep growing as will his or her hair. Your vampire's nails, however, will, under moonlight glow a pale off-white. They will look kind of like sun-bleached bone, opal or an eggshell. Your vampire's nails will grow quickly too, and on occasion you may find bits and pieces of flesh and blood under them. That is to be expected. Your vampire must kill to continue existing, not to be confused with alive. Unless you did not feel a pulse when we began this conversation, you are alive and if you are extremely careful, you may stay that way for years to come.

Your vampire's temperature may present you with a problem difficult to overcome. You see, since your vampire is dead, he or she will feel like a corpse. In fact, I have been told that a vampire's body temperature is very low. This helps them remain stable during the long hours of night when they can spend time outside their hideaway, i.e. coffin. Should you need time to recuperate after a long embrace, do not hesitate to explain to your vampire that the difference in body temperatures requires you to take a breather.

If you are not bothered by your vampire's frigid touch, you may be dead too, so do not worry about the loss of sensation.

Finally, we come to the most important event in a relationship, consummation. All of us know, or should if we are adults, exactly what I am implying. Therefore, details are not necessary. If you want details, go online and give it a search.

Your vampire's take on consummation will be vastly different than yours will be. First off, your vampire is dead, so the necessary body parts will not respond as if he or she were alive. Flaccid comes to mind, frigidly flaccid is descriptively better. And of course, since your vampire is dead, there will be no fluids, i.e. lubrication. Be patient and be prepared and I think the first night together will be extremely memorable.

PS: if you have decided that the life of a vampire is the life for you, introduce the idea to your vampire using caution. He or she, depending on the state of their satiation, might become anxious and drain you dry before recalling your request. Your vampire must not suck you dry, but leave enough fluids in your body that when you bite into him or her in return you have the strength for a successful strike.

Next time: Newly minted vampire? The joy of your first kill.
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