Thursday, February 4, 2010

The Living Eyes Syndrome in Writing

Or, eyes of mine wherefore art thou now?

I am an avid reader, but have a problem with some writers that I really need to get out in the open.

To keep this simple, I will ask some questions and because basically, I am seriously sarcastic by nature, I might even answer one or two.

One: When you write, "Their eyes met?" Did two people pop out their eyes first, hold them aloft so they might get to know each other's as couples?

Two: "His eyes roamed the room." Do you keep them on a leash so you can reel them in when you need to see something?

Three: "Her eyes darted about." Looking for an object to inflict punishment on, correct? Darts of anger flashed from her eyes! Can you see those little lightning bolts? ZAP!

Four: "Her eyes fluttered when he kissed her." Is this while they roamed the room, or have they returned for the close-up experience fluttering with angel wings (like tiny cupids) while hovering overhead?

Five: "His eyes went up and down her body." Now that's just plain creepy, although not quite as bad as "He eyeballed her." Okay, I want to make some comments here, like, what else, exactly, did he do while eyeballing her, but I'll let you fill in the blanks.

Six: "His eyes scanned the area before entering." I know, something like question 2, however, the disassociated shiny and intelligent, no doubt, orbs are now taking independent action to a new level. Kind of like 007. They are about to enter an area, but we do not know what or even why.

"Seven: "She eyed me when I approached." Sounds like tiny wet global weapons. Eyed him versus shot him between the eyes, kicked him between the legs. The idea makes parts of me shrivel with anxiety.

Eight: "His eyes stared down at the floor." Okay, that's a redundancy 'down at the floor'. My question here is: if his eyes are doing the staring, what the hell is he doing while they stay busy? Does he need time to think without distraction?

Nine: "He kept his eyes on the box." Guess that's better than keeping them inside the box. Someone might close the lid, and then what?

Ten: "Her eyes met his for the first time." Sorry, I had to do this variation of number one, and here is my question. What did her eyes do when they met his for the second time move beyond visual flirtation? Think fluttering.

Eleven: "He suddenly sat up, eyes back on his PDA." Where were they before he sat up? In his pocket or resting on the palm of his hand? And then just a few paragraphs later "His eyes were still on his PDA." Now I'm just confused. Why leave them there? Are they of no use elsewhere? How long can he go without?

Twelve: "She wiggled her eye at me." Or "blinked her eyes at me." Eyes do not blink, eyelids do. And wiggle? Please. Certain body parts wiggle while walking. You can wiggle you finger, or um, well you know, um your toes.

Thirteen: "His eyes drifted towards the door." Leaving him standing in the dark, no doubt. Perhaps it's better he is in the dark.

Fourteen: "Exasperated, she rolled her eyes." Did she shake them first, blow on her fist? And what did she get? Snake eyes, you lose!

Fifteen, the last for now: "The stranger's eyes fell on me hard." Ouch! I mean, how hard can they fall? Did the stranger just nod too vigorously?

Sorry, but eyes cannot act as disembodied independent individuals out to show you or a companion the way. I mean some of this stuff can be downright gross, and now that you are aware of this problem, see what happens whenever you come across one in a story.

If you're a writer, please for the love of God, stop it!

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